by Victoria Knight
Imagine, if dogs ran the internet, or at least had their own world wide web? Think about how different it would look, especially those interactive sites where we go to check in with our friends, network and generally waste time. I’d imagine those would have some differences, although the concepts would be eerily similar since, after all, dogs are territorial animals — like us — and would only allow other dogs they knew and liked access to their internet spaces. Strange dogs would only be accepted if they came with established cronies, and even then would be under close scrutiny for a while.
There would probably be at least a few not-so-subtle differences . . .
Facebook. Somehow I don’t think it would be Facebook so much as Buttbook on the dognet. After all, when dogs meet and greet, they don’t immediately go sniff each others faces . . . No . . . . They sniff butts first, then go look at each others faces, hop around a little bit, drop down into the international play position, stomp their front feet on the ground a bit, turn in circles a few times, stop, sniff again, maybe with a quick check of the jowls to see if any interesting carrion was passed along the way or not, then back to the invitations to run, chase, find smelly things to roll in and generally enjoy a bit of mild havoc.
Translated to the cyberworld of the dognet, well, imagine the profile pictures for a start! Tagged. Oh, now this one’s too easy. Slightly raunchy internet meet and greet site, right? Bet on the dognet it would be Flagged. Even the human version allows you to buy pets and leave tags to mark your territory out for others to see, so it’s not too far off. Could it be that dogs were involved in the original site design?
Considering the way dogs leave messages in the real world, marking here and there, leaving their scent to let others know they’ve been by, and theoretically some information as well, would e-mail become p-mail?
And would that notoriously time consuming site where we leave short notes letting people who subscribe to follow us know what we’re doing every minute of the day with excruciating attention to mindless minutiae be known as Piddle instead of Twitter? Oh, and Myspace? Muttspace?
You have to figure that the favorite game sites on the dognet would be the poker playing sites. Pokerbarks.net, anyone? The car chase games would probably be a close second, although perhaps a little different than we’re used to seeing them now, but we might finally get the answer to the question that has plagued owners of car chasing dogs for many years, “if he caught it, what in the world would he do with it?”
Ebay. Where hounds go to shop? GoDoggy.com? (Bet they’d still use Danica Patrick as their spokesbabe though, or maybe a hot Saluki.)
Those international mating sites would have a little different look to them, too. The Russian girls would certainly look a lot different than they do now, think along lines of Black Russian Terriers and Caucasian and Central Asian Ovcharkas and Borzoi.
Would they have a site like Dogster, but for owners? Where they’d post pictures of us and describe some of our more stupid antics and instead of other dogs stopping by and instead of giving a bone as a way of expressing approval, leave a latte? Easy on the sugar?
I wonder if there would be more collar and lead sites, “specialty store” sites that sold dog clothing? Or if they’d be banned.